A Special Situation

[jimmyb]

Hello All,

I have a special situation, and I am wondering if any difference applies...

I have been married for 5 years.  While away on a business trip in Vegas for a week durring our first year of marrage, my wife, for some reason, thinks that I cheated on her.  

I believe that she had been cheated on in the past by other people and she is paranoid.  I am not even sure why she believes this.  I was having dinner with other collegues on the trip.  When I got back to my hotel room, there were about 10 messages waiting for me, like: Where are you?....  and so forth...

The fact is that I never cheated on her, ever.  I never cheated on anyone I had ever been in a steady relationship with.  I have, however, dated several people at the same time, for a while in college, without having a steady girlfriend....  I don't consider that cheating because I was seeing several people, and so were they and all that was understood by all parties involved ... (however I don't know if that would come up as deseption on a polygraph test)

The lack of trust in our marrage is very troubling to me.  Every time we have a dissagreement, it always progressively gets worse and worse and for some reason, falls back on this topic.

I would like to clear my name, so I may consider taking a polygraph test.   Where I am concerned is I have heard that if you have even dreamed about doing something, it may come up on a polygraph test that you did it.

I have read your book about the lie....   It is geared more toward the most common usage for polygraphs...

I am going to pay for the test and take it, so that the next time this comes up, I can whip out the results for her.

When I commision the Polygraph Person, do I explain this to them?  Do I bother with the countermeasures, or do I just go for it without.  I Know that I never cheated on her and I have nothing to hide....

But....  

Have I dreamed about it?   Probably...

Do I try to get the Polygraph person to limit his questions to that week only?

It is expensive.... about $800....  But I feel I need to have something prove my innocence, since nothing else will.  I feel it may be nessesary to save my marrage, before things get progressivly worst, so it is worth the price tag.

After reading the book, I just want to review.

So, that I understand the technique right:

Breath steady for the whole thing

When control questions come up or questions that are implied lies, Breath faster, imagine that I am on fire or falling off a cliff, or getting shot...

For all relative questions, say the truth ( "Deny cheating on my wife") and concentrate on relaxing and steady breathing.....

Ok...

Now...

What kind of questions should I expect for this, for control and relevant qestions in this case?   Would they ask me questions about cheating on tests in school? Stealing?  

Would the person need to ask questions about various types of sexual activities....  I would not want my wife to believe that I tried to dupe the test by "convincing myself that Oral sex was not really considered Sex", like someone else who had this difficulty.

I have read chapters 3 and 4 about twice now....  Any other advice you all can give me, I would appreciate...

[Twoblock]

jimmyb

Bud, you are about to be HAD twice and maybe three times.

First: $800 for a poly??? The normal rate is 250 to 350.

Second: you have a 50% chance of failing the test.

Third: If you fail the test, it's probably going to cost you your marrage. If she is paranoid about the cheating, every time you have to make an over night trip this will be a point of contention.

My advice is to spend your money on professional help for her. A good marrage counselor, for both of you, might help.

If you are intent on taking the stupid thing, then employ countermeasures. Quickly identify the control questions and think of something that scares the hell out of you. On the relevant questions, think of the most tranquill setting that you can. Like setting under a tree in a peaceful meadow reading a good book. You can always use the old anal squeeze on the control questions if there is no strain gauge attached to the chair. I personally believe the probe would have to be stuck up your butt in order for it to register.

I strongly say "DON'T TAKE THE POLY"

[mustbaliar]

Do NOT take the polygraph under any circumstances.  It is not a lie detector and will not prove anything.  Take Twoblock's advice and get a marriage counselor.  Good luck.

[polyfool]

Jimmyb,

I have to agree with twoblock and mustbaliar. Save your money for some counseling. If you and your wife haven't settled the Vegas business trip after four years, a polygraph certainly isn't going to put it to rest. Go to counseling together to learn ways of building trust in your relationship.      

[jimmyb]

I hear you guys...

But...

If I fail, she never needs to know I took it....

If I pass, there you go....

She had definate issues...  Making me nuts...

I know a counseler is important, but I am hoping that passing the test will make her realize that she has a trust issue and needs help...

You can't make someone go to counseling, if they don't believe they need it.   Even if you drag them there...

But, If you can prove to them that they have been unreasonable for 4  years, then they may realize they have a problem...

[jimmyb]

Also,

What  is the anal squeeze thing?

[Mercible]

jimmyb,

Don't waste the cash!  Most serious polygraph examiners won't even run this kind of test.  But, if you are absolutely dead-set to show her a report, go to the print shop, have them make you some letterhead for a polygraph examiner and make your own report!  Will cost you between $20 to $50, depending on the quality of the paper and print job.  

Chances are, if you look hard enough, you may even be willing to find an unscrupulous examiner who will make you a dummy report for a few bucks.  

But, I'd bet you showing her this report won't solve anything.  If she is that untrusting of you, she may drop the issue for a while, but the problems will start back up soon enough.  If you can't get her to counseling, then you may want to find a good divorce lawyer instead.  

Sorry to hear about your problems.  Good luck on whatever course of action you decide on.

Mercible

[jimmyb]

Mercible -

I sincerely thank you for your reply.  I can't just print up something on letterhead....

That would be fraudulant.   The very point I am trying to prove to my wife is that I am trustworthy.  If I were to do that and my wife found out.... That would be like an admission of guilt that I am trying to cover up something bigger (Vegas).   The fact is that I did nothing but be an honest, loving husband trying to support his family.

Look...  I know that the Poly is not accurate.   That this is witchcraft...   Fine.

I know the Poly has been used to screw people over unjustly... But...   Why not use this tool, if I can, to help prove my innocence ( or her perception of innocence. ) so that she could start to look at the big picture and realize that perhaps She is the one that has a problem.... So that She would be open to Counseling.  Get some help and start trusting again....

There is much more at stake here than just me.... We have children together...  Children that need both a mother and a father...

You know... Really... All along I have been honest with her....   With everyone, for that matter whom I have ever dated.... ( With the exception of answering questions like, "Do I look fat in this....  I know you all have been there! )...

Please....
anyone....  Any advice would be appreciated.

And thank you to all whom have answered this post...

[PPrisoner]

Question-in order to pass a poly is the idea to anwser "no" on the control questions?  I.E. intentionally lie?

[George W. Maschke]

Question-in order to pass a poly is the idea to anwser "no" on the control questions?  I.E. intentionally lie?

Although most "control" questions are expected to be answered "no," not all are. For example, the "control" question, "Are you a truly trustworthy person?" is expected to be answered, "Yes." On "control" questons, you want to give the expected answer, whether it be no or yes.

Moreover, the key to passing is not merely providing the expected answer, but showing stronger physiological responses to the "control" questions than to the relevant questions. For suggestions on how to increase the likelihood of passing, see Chapter 4 of The Lie Behind the Lie Detector.

[Johnn]

That would be fraudulant.   The very point I am trying to prove to my wife is that I am trustworthy.  If I were to do that and my wife found out.... That would be like an admission of guilt that I am trying to cover up something bigger (Vegas).   The fact is that I did nothing but be an honest, loving husband trying to support his family.

I don't understand - employing countermeasures is just as fraudulent as is getting a fake copy of a polygraph.  But it goes both ways because the polygraph in itself is a fraud.  Why not just save your money and seek other ways to make your wife happy?  Maybe you should spend your money on a trip together with her.  Sometimes spouses are paranoid because they don't spend enough time together.

[Sergeant1107]

But, If you can prove to them that they have been unreasonable for 4  years, then they may realize they have a problem...

You are going to prove to a woman that she has been unreasonable for the past four years?  

Good luck!