Hi,

Apologies for the long post, this is all very alien to me...

I'm just trying to get some thoughts on what happened to me today. I'm feeling sick as a dog about it, and I'm struggling to make sense of anything right now.

I'm in a very serious pickle, and I appreciate that people will consider that I get whatever I deserve here, but I'm desperately trying to hold together as much of my life, and my family's life as I can. I'll retain some level of anonymity, for reasons that will be obvious.

I was recently arrested (UK) for "X". It's a serious offense, about which I am trying to be as open and cooperative as I can. There's a whole bunch of stuff going on regarding it, and I wouldn't like to say what "X" is, other than that it will automatically generate a lot of a-priori judgements, so I won't confirm or deny either way. The thing is, I was offered a Polygraph to ascertain how far "X" goes, and if I've also done "Y". I didn't know much about polygraphs before today, other than something I saw on Penn & Teller a few years back (they're basically witchcraft), and both myself and my partner are against them on principle, so I politely declined the opportunity; a decision reinforced by the multiple medications I take for high BP and anxiety. A week or so later, the general advice I was getting was that I should attend anyway, as a favourable response would help. Wanting ultimately to cooperate fully, I attended the test today. Everything started great. It was just me and one guy. He was polite, professional, and appeared non judgemental. We talked about the process and the equipment. I was impressed if somewhat confused by the stuff as I expected something less, um, modern.

We talked at length about "X" and my personal life. Really rather in depth and invasive, but nothing I thought was out of order or irrelevant. I was offered refreshments, the heater was turned on to warm the room, but not too much. Everything was actually quite relaxing, but I was still terrified of the process. 

I was asked to write a number on a piece of paper, and asked to lie about writing it. I was moved to another chair, strapped up with various finger clamps and chest loops, sat on a small cushion, and proceeded with the actual test. I was told to keep still, over and over. The test was a series of about 6 or 7 questions. Some were directly relevant, the others were more general, but made me very uncomfortable as they related very directly to my relationship that is on the verge of collapse. After every couple of questions I was told to sit still. As far as I could, I was sat still. He accused me of using countermeasures. We had talked about them earlier in the process and laughed about putting a drawing pin or nail in my shoe (I hadn't, and I wasn't asked to remove my shoes or anything). He kept mentioning a pin technique, and saying I knew what he was talking about, and that I kept moving. I was reminded to be compliant, and how serious it is to use countermeasures that I've obviously researched online. I denied this, and we did the questions again. After the third round of questioning, he terminated the test. I was sent back to the waiting room to have a think about it. I was angry and confused, but came back when asked and was told that I was persistently moving in response to specific questions. He didn't say which questions, or how I was moving. I wasn't shown any results, or asked anything other than to admit I was using countermeasures, and that he just wanted to know why. I told him I didn't know what to say. Every time I was told to sit still I got more stressed to the point my heart was pounding, I was sweating and trying to stop myself from doing whatever I was doing, without knowing exactly what it was I was doing. I'm sure I clenched up several times, I'm sure I was visibly shaking at least once, by the end I was getting told it was obvious countermeasures and it had become the central point of the process. The actual questions themselves faded from relevance. After the test, I signed a consent form to share the results with a university (that's all it said, it wasn't an admission of guilt or anything). He was writing notes next to me, which were visible, but sadly illegible for the most part (upside down cursive isn't something I can read easily) - I did notice several exclamation points, however.

He asked me about countermeasures one last time, which I again just said I don't know measures I could use. I also commented that he had spent 20 minutes explaining how one's physiology is automatic, and that the responses just happen, only to then accuse me of altering them.

After this, we then moved onto other questions. Again, in depth and invasive. I was again forthcoming and open with my responses. It seemed so surreal. I was shaken and rather despondent at this point, but he continued with the interview as if the rest didn't seem quite so important now. 

By then end, I'd been there some 3 or 4 hours, and felt absolutely drained and ripped bare for the world to see. I felt ashamed and mortified, but hadn't actually told him much that they didn't already know. 

Before I continue, I want to state that "X" is a fair cop. That is, It is something I have been guilty of doing for some time. They know it, I know it, they are in the process of gathering the details to determine how best to move forward. I await with shameful baited breath, but happy that it's finally come to light, and I can now taken positive steps forward in my life. "Y" is something I will be suspected of, but have never come close to doing, and don't mind them investigating because there's nothing to find, I just worry that today will destroy any goodwill I've built so far. Please draw your own conclusions about that, but I won't go into more detail.


Ok, so I get home, and the next few hours are spent gleefully perusing the internet for all the information I can find on the polygraph, countermeasures, and the like. I'm now pretty much as clued up as I was accused of being earlier in the day. 

I look back and now see everything about the entire process was orchestrated exactly as described in the guide, and feel like I've been taken for a completely theatrical ride. I don't know how sincere the officer was, other than I felt better after speaking to him, and I still somehow feel he's a decent chap doing a very strange job. I've got a good idea what I've actually done to flag up the countermeasures, despite it not having been intentional (I was reflexively flinching to what I now expect were control questions, but they really hit home how much of a douche I've been to my partner :(), but now I'm really worried that I've somehow stumbled into "lying to the police" territory, because things are already difficult to navigate.

I've told my solicitor about the test, and how I was treated. That was before I found this site, so now I really don't know if I should advise the officers that I know what I did (because that will completely sound genuine, honest!), or if I should just shut my fat mouth, and wait to see what happens next!

Have I thrown myself deeper in the dirt by allegedly cheating the test? or does it not matter if ultimately I didn't actually admit to doing anything? If offered another test (it's voluntary, after all), should I just say "no thank you, I've since read up on this and I think it's daft to even consider"?

I feel like I'm barely holding things together. I'll take whatever's coming for things I've done, and I'll do all I can to rebuild be better from there, but I don't think I can carry the stigma for things I haven't done.