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Suckstobeme
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My husband failed a polygraph
Sep 23rd, 2014 at 3:45pm
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My husband admitted to cheating on me but said he stopped in Dec 2013. I confronted him on Sept 15th 2014. I did not believe he stopped cheating in Dec because he has a long history of lying to me. He suggested a polygraph. He put everything on the table. He said he wanted to prove to me that he was no longer hiding ANYTHING from me.

Now I'm even more confused.

My husband had his polygraph 2 days ago (Sept 21st 2014). I gave the examiner 4 questions to ask my husband. The examiner worded them a little differently.

1. Have you had any sexual encounters with anyone other than your wife since Dec 2013?

2. Are you hiding any financial assets from your wife? Example, credit cards, bank accounts, ANY money.

3. Since Dec 2013, have you communicated with ANY women (in a flirtatious or sexual nature) other than your wife via text,email,phone?

4. Do you access ANY adult websites for the purpose of meeting women?


My husband failed #1. I was devastated. I was sitting in the waiting room and I could pretty much hear everything that was being said in the "interrogation" room.

This was the worst 2 hours of my life. When I heard the examiner say "you failed" I felt this warmth come over my body, then numbness. I heard my husband say "that can't be, I'm telling the truth". I heard him in there crying, and asking the guy to do it again, this went on for 10 min. The examiner said, "No, those are the results". My husband walked out and had to face me and tell me he failed #1. This was one of the most humiliating days of my life.

I just walked out. We had to ride home together. That sucked! He swore up and down that he was telling the truth. HE sat in the car balling his eyes out saying that it was a mistake, and the he was telling the truth. He said he would have never taken the test if he were still lying to me. He said he took it to prove to me that he had told me everything. Or is he just putting on the performance of his life? I have no idea.

Why would he pass #2-4 and not 1? It seems like 1&3 would go hand and hand. He says he's going to get another poly but at this point I don't want to waste another $400. I don't know what to do or think. I'm completely lost.

I've been researching poly exams and ran across this site. Would it be a waste of time and money to have him take another test? Before we took the test that was going to be something we did at least once a year to put me at ease. Now I don't know what to do. I don't trust him and if I can't trust that a poly will get the truth....well, you know.

I just want opinions on the exam. Please refrain from telling me to leave my husband. This is an extremely hard time for me. I am trying to get to a place where I am of sound mind. I cannot make a life changing decision right now.

Thank you.

  
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George W. Maschke
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #1 - Sep 23rd, 2014 at 3:56pm
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Suckstobeme,

Yes, it would be a waste of time and money to have your husband take another polygraph "test." The first polygraph was also a waste of time and money. Polygraphy has no more scientific basis than phrenology or graphology. That's how your husband could "fail" question #1 yet "pass" question #3.

If I were in your position, I would place no reliance at all on the polygraph results in deciding how to proceed with my life.

To understand why polygraphy is so utterly unreliable, see Chapter 1 of AntiPolygraph.org's book, The Lie Behind the Lie Detector, which you can download here:

https://antipolygraph.org/lie-behind-the-lie-detector.pdf

It's also worth bearing in mind that if your husband were lying, and intended to fool the polygraph, he could have learned precisely how to do that from Chapters 3 & 4 of the same book.
  

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Suckstobeme
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #2 - Sep 23rd, 2014 at 4:09pm
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Thank you. I told him if #1 is flawed that means that #2-4 could be flawed as well. So now were back to where we started and out $400.

I appreciate your feedback. 

  
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #3 - Sep 23rd, 2014 at 10:08pm
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Are you hiding any financial assets from your wife? Example, credit cards, bank accounts, ANY money.

Suckstobeme,


Your polygraph operator did not follow proper technique and should be reprimanded by his peers. This question is unrelated to sexual infidelity which made this a multiple issue exam. He should have employed the successive hurdles approach and accomplished a break out exam, like a Zone Comparison Test, specifically targeted at the single issue of sexual encounters.
  
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pailryder
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #4 - Sep 24th, 2014 at 12:37pm
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Ark

Could hiding assets be a probable lie comparison question?
  

No good social purpose can be served by inventing ways of beating the lie detector or deceiving polygraphers.   David Thoreson Lykken
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Suckstobeme
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #5 - Sep 24th, 2014 at 1:19pm
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I asked that question because he was spending OUR money on prostitutes. I wanted to know where the money was coming from. 

pailryder wrote on Sep 24th, 2014 at 12:37pm:
Ark

Could hiding assets be a probable lie comparison question?

[quote author=72636B6E707B666770020 link=1411487120/4#4 date=1411562270]Ark

  
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Dan Mangan
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #6 - Sep 24th, 2014 at 3:37pm
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I've been a polygrapher for almost ten years and have done a fair amount of these exams. As I state on my web site, such "fidelity tests" are usually a waste of time and money.

Most people who call me about such polygraphs appear to heed my advice, but others are completely tone deaf. Still others submit to the test either out of frustration/desperation, or agree to take the polygraph if -- and only if -- the couple goes into (or continues) counseling, regardless of the polygraph outcome.

The polygraph community is remarkably polarized on the subject of fidelity testing. Many examiners refuse to do them, but others eagerly accept the work.

Curiously, the American Polygraph Association does not have a model policy for fidelity testing, as they do for several other polygraph specialty applications such as PCSOT and LEPET. Why? My hunch is that the APA officers, historically, have lacked sufficient faith in the application of polygraph for such a potentially weighty outcome. By that I mean a large number of fidelity test clients view the polygraph result as a near-perfect finding upon which to base their make-or-break decision regarding the future of the relationship. That's a grave mistake -- for ANY application of polygraph.
  
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #7 - Sep 24th, 2014 at 5:31pm
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I asked that question because he was spending OUR money on prostitutes. I wanted to know where the money was coming from.


From what I read about your situation, I believe you need some professional intervention in your marriage. Trying to get to the core issue by using the polygraph is futile. Your husband may be suffering from sexual addiction. SAA's website may be of value:

https://saa-recovery.org/

Pailryder, nice catch, I hadn't thought of that.
  
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Suckstobeme
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #8 - Sep 25th, 2014 at 5:51pm
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We did discuss marriage counseling before going the get the poly. He's going to see someone on his own and we will be seeing someone as a couple.

Thanks for all the responses. Is it possible to have this thread deleted? I just want to forget about it.
  
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #9 - Mar 20th, 2015 at 3:42pm
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First off, why even do this in the first place? If you're that insecure then just deal with it. These days there is so much divorce and dysfunctional families, mostly due to that ridiculous show Keeping up with the Kardashians (not that its really relevant lol) but these days, I think its better to just try and work things out and reach a compromise rather than seek divorce. Such a waste of money, time, and sanity. If he cheated, you can cheat too right? I know I should read the whole message you posted but meh
  
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Shane de la Cruz
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #10 - Nov 11th, 2016 at 11:50pm
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My wife told me she was a virgin when we met in 2010 and 2 weeks ago her cousin dropped a bomb on me when she told me that my wife went to a hotel 1 day with her ex bf 6 months before I met her. I asked my wife and she denied it at 1st but then the next day confessed to going to the hotel and having her ex bf try to put it in but he couldn't put it in was her story. I have had that happen to me at least 4 times with girls when I was in my teens we all have failed sex attempts stories. When I said to my wife that I would message the guy to find out she yelled 'if you message him its over' of course why would she get upset if she had nothing to hide. Long story short she agreed while insulted to take a Pholygraph and failed, we got in the car and she said 'I know the test results is there but I know my body and he didnt put it in' What to believe? I should add that we we had sex she was in a lot of pain 1st time and there was blood on the bed the next day
  
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #11 - Nov 12th, 2016 at 6:31am
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What Aunty wants to know is: How could it be possibly any business of yours what the woman you love got up to six months before she ever met you? Your only legitimate concern is with what she has been up to since you met. You've known her for six years now; during that time have you both been completely faithful to each other?

Then, what else really matters?

I think the blood on the bed confirms that your wife did not lie to you about being a virgin. If you try to investigate her previous romantic life in more detail, or to confirm how she was almost not a virgin, then Aunty guarantees that you will learn things that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and cannot benefit from knowing.

The lie detector is a lie. Use of the lie detector cannot expose when someone is lying. Faith in the lie detector is a destructive addiction that allows a person to avoid and shirk the most important duty a human can face: to decide whether to trust another person.

Now, Aunty wants you to go get your wife and sit her down across from you, and then both of you recite the following vows:

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not allow that trust to be damaged by uncomfortable thoughts about what our life was like before we met.

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not, now nor ever, delegate that trust to an unproven pseudo-science or a soulless machine.

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not look beyond each other for confirmation or validation of that trust. Our happiness is not for others to decide.

Aunty also gives you permission to tell that cousin to go piss up a rope.
  
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Joe McCarthy
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #12 - Nov 26th, 2016 at 8:04am
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My wife told me she was a virgin when we met in 2010 and 2 weeks ago her cousin dropped a bomb on me when she told me that my wife went to a hotel 1 day with her ex bf 6 months before I met her. I asked my wife and she denied it at 1st but then the next day confessed to going to the hotel and having her ex bf try to put it in but he couldn't put it in was her story. I have had that happen to me at least 4 times with girls when I was in my teens we all have failed sex attempts stories. When I said to my wife that I would message the guy to find out she yelled 'if you message him its over' of course why would she get upset if she had nothing to hide. Long story short she agreed while insulted to take a Pholygraph and failed, we got in the car and she said 'I know the test results is there but I know my body and he didnt put it in' What to believe? I should add that we we had sex she was in a lot of pain 1st time and there was blood on the bed the next day


What the hell is wrong with you; and who the hell wasted your time and money about testing you over such silly subject matter? 

This is one of the reasons, I turn away infidelity tests that don't come from a therapist referral. 

I don't know how much you paid, but it could have been spent enriching your relationship, instead of sabotaging it
  

Joe
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #13 - Nov 26th, 2016 at 2:29pm
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Cool it, Joe. Don't blame the polygraph victim. He doesn't know any better.

The polygraph indu$try strives to keep people in the dark about the risks, realities and limitations of the "test." Why? Because it's all about the money.

Clearly, the poster's sad situation is precisely the kind of circumstance under which a bill of rights for polygraph test-takers would go a long way to prevent heartache, confusion, or worse.

Meanwhile, the American Polygraph Association continues to promote unrealistic expectations. Here's a quote from the APA web site:

"APA examiners are able to attain accuracy rates exceeding 90 percent."

Consumers -- especially discordant couples dealing with trust issues -- need protection from such exuberant marketing claims.

Also, anyone contemplating a polygraph "test" for fidelity issues should be aware that the American Polygraph Association refuses to publish a model policy on fidelity "testing."  I wonder why...
« Last Edit: Nov 26th, 2016 at 4:51pm by Dan Mangan »  
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Joe McCarthy
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Re: My husband failed a polygraph
Reply #14 - Nov 28th, 2016 at 8:27am
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This is not even a fidelity issue, it's a small ego issue.  The guy does need a polygraph examiner, he needs a great marriage therapist.  In the future, he will need an awesome lawyer.

What did someone do to you that got you on this ship of destruction?  I'm just curious.  My moment of disillusionment with the Texas industry establishment is well documented and confirmed to be truthful, though documentation, and the actions of the leadership and members involved.

So I never asked this, and I'm curious; who, or what, pissed your Wheaties?

Not trying to start trouble; I'm honestly curious. 
  

Joe
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