The truth was, I'd tried to join the CIA when I was fresh out of college. I'd passed the interviews, the tests, and the psychological screening, and had gotten so far that they'd issued me a cover, but I was unable to pass the lie detector exam and didn't get hired.

Years later, the Defense Security Service showed me the results summary. According to the CIA polygraph examiner, I was "deception indicated" on criminal activity and illegal drug use. The funny thing was that the CIA polygraph examiner would not believe, no matter how many times I stated the truth, that I had never even tried drugs. He insisted that everyone in my generation had at least "experimented" with illegal drugs. Of course, I did some stupid things in my youth—bartending for the Marine Guard at their residence in Lisbon, and I'd been a drunken hellion in high school—but never any illegal drugs. Why bother when I had as much booze as I wanted?

Oh, yeah. When confronted with their allegations that I was "deception indicated" on criminal activity, I admitted on the polygraph that I had taken U.S. government Skilcraft pens from the American Embassy in Lisbon. Yeah. Just like John Dillinger.

After that experience, I knew never to believe the results of any polygraph exam. If they couldn't figure out I was telling the truth about drug use, then chances are they couldn't figure out who's telling the truth about anything else.