My husband admitted to cheating on me but said he stopped in Dec 2013. I confronted him on Sept 15th 2014. I did not believe he stopped cheating in Dec because he has a long history of lying to me. He suggested a polygraph. He put everything on the table. He said he wanted to prove to me that he was no longer hiding ANYTHING from me.

Now I'm even more confused.

My husband had his polygraph 2 days ago (Sept 21st 2014). I gave the examiner 4 questions to ask my husband. The examiner worded them a little differently.

1. Have you had any sexual encounters with anyone other than your wife since Dec 2013?

2. Are you hiding any financial assets from your wife? Example, credit cards, bank accounts, ANY money.

3. Since Dec 2013, have you communicated with ANY women (in a flirtatious or sexual nature) other than your wife via text,email,phone?

4. Do you access ANY adult websites for the purpose of meeting women?


My husband failed #1. I was devastated. I was sitting in the waiting room and I could pretty much hear everything that was being said in the "interrogation" room.

This was the worst 2 hours of my life. When I heard the examiner say "you failed" I felt this warmth come over my body, then numbness. I heard my husband say "that can't be, I'm telling the truth". I heard him in there crying, and asking the guy to do it again, this went on for 10 min. The examiner said, "No, those are the results". My husband walked out and had to face me and tell me he failed #1. This was one of the most humiliating days of my life.

I just walked out. We had to ride home together. That sucked! He swore up and down that he was telling the truth. HE sat in the car balling his eyes out saying that it was a mistake, and the he was telling the truth. He said he would have never taken the test if he were still lying to me. He said he took it to prove to me that he had told me everything. Or is he just putting on the performance of his life? I have no idea.

Why would he pass #2-4 and not 1? It seems like 1&3 would go hand and hand. He says he's going to get another poly but at this point I don't want to waste another $400. I don't know what to do or think. I'm completely lost.

I've been researching poly exams and ran across this site. Would it be a waste of time and money to have him take another test? Before we took the test that was going to be something we did at least once a year to put me at ease. Now I don't know what to do. I don't trust him and if I can't trust that a poly will get the truth....well, you know.

I just want opinions on the exam. Please refrain from telling me to leave my husband. This is an extremely hard time for me. I am trying to get to a place where I am of sound mind. I cannot make a life changing decision right now.

Thank you.

Suckstobeme,

Yes, it would be a waste of time and money to have your husband take another polygraph "test." The first polygraph was also a waste of time and money. Polygraphy has no more scientific basis than phrenology or graphology. That's how your husband could "fail" question #1 yet "pass" question #3.

If I were in your position, I would place no reliance at all on the polygraph results in deciding how to proceed with my life.

To understand why polygraphy is so utterly unreliable, see Chapter 1 of AntiPolygraph.org's book, The Lie Behind the Lie Detector, which you can download here:

https://antipolygraph.org/lie-behind-the-lie-detector.pdf

It's also worth bearing in mind that if your husband were lying, and intended to fool the polygraph, he could have learned precisely how to do that from Chapters 3 & 4 of the same book.

Thank you. I told him if #1 is flawed that means that #2-4 could be flawed as well. So now were back to where we started and out $400.

I appreciate your feedback. 

wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2014 at 3:45pm:

Are you hiding any financial assets from your wife? Example, credit cards, bank accounts, ANY money.

Suckstobeme,


Your polygraph operator did not follow proper technique and should be reprimanded by his peers. This question is unrelated to sexual infidelity which made this a multiple issue exam. He should have employed the successive hurdles approach and accomplished a break out exam, like a Zone Comparison Test, specifically targeted at the single issue of sexual encounters.

Ark

Could hiding assets be a probable lie comparison question?

I asked that question because he was spending OUR money on prostitutes. I wanted to know where the money was coming from. 


pailryder wrote on Sep 24^th, 2014 at 12:37pm:

Ark Could hiding assets be a probable lie comparison question?

[quote author=72636B6E707B666770020 link=1411487120/4#4 date=1411562270]Ark

I've been a polygrapher for almost ten years and have done a fair amount of these exams. As I state on my web site, such "fidelity tests" are usually a waste of time and money.

Most people who call me about such polygraphs appear to heed my advice, but others are completely tone deaf. Still others submit to the test either out of frustration/desperation, or agree to take the polygraph if -- and only if -- the couple goes into (or continues) counseling, regardless of the polygraph outcome.

The polygraph community is remarkably polarized on the subject of fidelity testing. Many examiners refuse to do them, but others eagerly accept the work.

Curiously, the American Polygraph Association does not have a model policy for fidelity testing, as they do for several other polygraph specialty applications such as PCSOT and LEPET. Why? My hunch is that the APA officers, historically, have lacked sufficient faith in the application of polygraph for such a potentially weighty outcome. By that I mean a large number of fidelity test clients view the polygraph result as a near-perfect finding upon which to base their make-or-break decision regarding the future of the relationship. That's a grave mistake -- for ANY application of polygraph.

wrote on Sep 24^th, 2014 at 1:19pm:

I asked that question because he was spending OUR money on prostitutes. I wanted to know where the money was coming from.

From what I read about your situation, I believe you need some professional intervention in your marriage. Trying to get to the core issue by using the polygraph is futile. Your husband may be suffering from sexual addiction. SAA's website may be of value:

https://saa-recovery.org/

Pailryder, nice catch, I hadn't thought of that.

We did discuss marriage counseling before going the get the poly. He's going to see someone on his own and we will be seeing someone as a couple.

Thanks for all the responses. Is it possible to have this thread deleted? I just want to forget about it.

First off, why even do this in the first place? If you're that insecure then just deal with it. These days there is so much divorce and dysfunctional families, mostly due to that ridiculous show Keeping up with the Kardashians (not that its really relevant lol) but these days, I think its better to just try and work things out and reach a compromise rather than seek divorce. Such a waste of money, time, and sanity. If he cheated, you can cheat too right? I know I should read the whole message you posted but meh

My wife told me she was a virgin when we met in 2010 and 2 weeks ago her cousin dropped a bomb on me when she told me that my wife went to a hotel 1 day with her ex bf 6 months before I met her. I asked my wife and she denied it at 1st but then the next day confessed to going to the hotel and having her ex bf try to put it in but he couldn't put it in was her story. I have had that happen to me at least 4 times with girls when I was in my teens we all have failed sex attempts stories. When I said to my wife that I would message the guy to find out she yelled 'if you message him its over' of course why would she get upset if she had nothing to hide. Long story short she agreed while insulted to take a Pholygraph and failed, we got in the car and she said 'I know the test results is there but I know my body and he didnt put it in' What to believe? I should add that we we had sex she was in a lot of pain 1st time and there was blood on the bed the next day

What Aunty wants to know is: How could it be possibly any business of yours what the woman you love got up to six months before she ever met you? Your only legitimate concern is with what she has been up to since you met. You've known her for six years now; during that time have you both been completely faithful to each other?

Then, what else really matters?

I think the blood on the bed confirms that your wife did not lie to you about being a virgin. If you try to investigate her previous romantic life in more detail, or to confirm how she was almost not a virgin, then Aunty guarantees that you will learn things that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and cannot benefit from knowing.

The lie detector is a lie. Use of the lie detector cannot expose when someone is lying. Faith in the lie detector is a destructive addiction that allows a person to avoid and shirk the most important duty a human can face: to decide whether to trust another person.

Now, Aunty wants you to go get your wife and sit her down across from you, and then both of you recite the following vows:

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not allow that trust to be damaged by uncomfortable thoughts about what our life was like before we met.

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not, now nor ever, delegate that trust to an unproven pseudo-science or a soulless machine.

We are a marriage. We trust each other. We will not look beyond each other for confirmation or validation of that trust. Our happiness is not for others to decide.

Aunty also gives you permission to tell that cousin to go piss up a rope.

wrote on Nov 11^th, 2016 at 11:50pm:

My wife told me she was a virgin when we met in 2010 and 2 weeks ago her cousin dropped a bomb on me when she told me that my wife went to a hotel 1 day with her ex bf 6 months before I met her. I asked my wife and she denied it at 1st but then the next day confessed to going to the hotel and having her ex bf try to put it in but he couldn't put it in was her story. I have had that happen to me at least 4 times with girls when I was in my teens we all have failed sex attempts stories. When I said to my wife that I would message the guy to find out she yelled 'if you message him its over' of course why would she get upset if she had nothing to hide. Long story short she agreed while insulted to take a Pholygraph and failed, we got in the car and she said 'I know the test results is there but I know my body and he didnt put it in' What to believe? I should add that we we had sex she was in a lot of pain 1st time and there was blood on the bed the next day

What the hell is wrong with you; and who the hell wasted your time and money about testing you over such silly subject matter? 

This is one of the reasons, I turn away infidelity tests that don't come from a therapist referral. 

I don't know how much you paid, but it could have been spent enriching your relationship, instead of sabotaging it

Cool it, Joe. Don't blame the polygraph victim. He doesn't know any better.

The polygraph indu$try strives to keep people in the dark about the risks, realities and limitations of the "test." Why? Because it's all about the money.

Clearly, the poster's sad situation is precisely the kind of circumstance under which a bill of rights for polygraph test-takers would go a long way to prevent heartache, confusion, or worse.

Meanwhile, the American Polygraph Association continues to promote unrealistic expectations. Here's a quote from the APA web site:

"APA examiners are able to attain accuracy rates exceeding 90 percent."

Consumers -- especially discordant couples dealing with trust issues -- need protection from such exuberant marketing claims.

Also, anyone contemplating a polygraph "test" for fidelity issues should be aware that the American Polygraph Association refuses to publish a model policy on fidelity "testing."  I wonder why...

This is not even a fidelity issue, it's a small ego issue.  The guy does need a polygraph examiner, he needs a great marriage therapist.  In the future, he will need an awesome lawyer.

What did someone do to you that got you on this ship of destruction?  I'm just curious.  My moment of disillusionment with the Texas industry establishment is well documented and confirmed to be truthful, though documentation, and the actions of the leadership and members involved.

So I never asked this, and I'm curious; who, or what, pissed your Wheaties?

Not trying to start trouble; I'm honestly curious. 

Joe, regardless of what you feel the poster needs, the fact remains that a bill of rights for polygraph test takers would probably have prevented the twisted psycho-physiological shenanigans suffered by the poster and his SO.

Polygraph isn't going anywhere soon -- although the case for its abolition is a strong one -- so steps must be taken to help prevent victimization.

Joe, if you lifted your head from the polygraph "testing" feeding trough long enough to engage in some macro-view critical thinking, you just might understand my point of view.

I do understand more than a bit of your points of view, you neglect to mention that.  I just don't agree with your methodology in fixing the issues.  Having said that, there is much I have a hard time agreeing with. 

Also, saying I am at the "feeding trough," wow, really?  You do know who you're talking to right?

NOBODY, in or out of the industry, can ever accuse me, or even imply, that I am at, or even near, any "feeding trough."  In fact, they do more to keep me away from the feeding line, than they do to keep you away. 

I find this funny because, not only do I defend the test, I backed it up with action.  To this day, I am still the only polygraph examiner, to offer to publicly sit for my own test; and bet my career based on the results.   

Personally, if you want to attack accuracy and reliability, one would think, prominent examiners in the polygraph industry, dodging their own tests, would be a better attack.  To write papers on accuracy and reliability is one thing; one can argue about statistics, and theory, and concepts.  Avoiding the use of a product you sell, and insist is good enough for others; that is an action which is not only unarguable, but indefensible, and inexcusable.

It seems to me, using the acts of, "respected, and prominent" examiners petrified of the test, would work a whole lot better than words in a study.  Studies are great, but in the end, when the chips are down, will they eat their own dog food?  The actions of prominent members, do no support the words of their association.

SHAME ON THEM.

Some would say that I am, beating a dead horse; if only that were the case.  A dead horse doesn't kick a sleeping dog.  Also, it is the best argument that there is regarding the subject of accuracy and reliability.

The one chance, prominent members of the community had to make a statement about the accuracy and reliability of polygraph, and the only one to rise to the challenge, is the one person they insist is a bigger danger to the industry than you.  Then, they call me crazy for even making the suggestion that we use our own test, to weed out the lies and solidify the truth. 

Think about that for a minute, very important people in the industry, criticized me, for suggesting that we use our own test to sole an issue within our own industry once and for all. 

Dan, if you are going to fight, fight with facts that point out actions which are contrary to words. 

Even if you do take my advice, there is still one inconvenient truth.  One examiner, who had more to lose than anyone, still put 100% faith in the test he sells, when all the others ran.  I don't take gambles like that unless I know I'll win. 

If you ask me, that makes me a far better advocate for the industry than the ass clowns, I am forced to stand behind at the "trough," who clearly have no faith in the reliability or accuracy of the test they sell. Honestly, I can't believe I have to compete with these troglodytes.

So to say I am at the, feeding trough, when frankly, you know better, that just insults me and degrades you. 

This does beg re-asking the question though.


Joe McCarthy wrote on Nov 28^th, 2016 at 8:27am:

What did someone do to you that got you on this ship of destruction?  I'm just curious.  My moment of disillusionment with the Texas industry establishment is well documented and confirmed to be truthful, though documentation, and the actions of the leadership and members involved. So I never asked this, and I'm curious; who, or what, pissed your Wheaties?

Joe McCarthy wrote on Nov 28^th, 2016 at 8:27am:

So I never asked this, and I'm curious; who, or what, pissed your Wheaties? Not trying to start trouble; I'm honestly curious.

Joe, it's simple.

After recognizing the pernicious harms that stem from polygraph victimization -- something the polygraph indu$try nonchalantly casts off as routine collateral damage --  it struck me that being a "forensic psycho-physiologist" was grotesquely inconsistent with my Christian values.

As a Roman Catholic, the only way I could continue in this fetid field is to tell the truth about the "test." Being a polygraph consultant allows me to do that.

Advocating for a test-taker bill of rights is a core part of my role as an independent polygraph resource.

But you still practice polygraph, and belong to the biggest polygraph association in the world; supporting it's activities by giving it money every year to propagate an agenda you are morally against.  By doing this you financially support and condone its activities. 

Seems this is the equivalent of the Boston Archdiocese, giving money to and being a member of planed parenthood

Joe, I realize, that to the casual observer, there are conflicts.

Yes, I "practice" polygraph --- but not as those who practice it like Wicca.

All of my clients know -- or at least are told -- that polygraph is a sham.

In any event, it won't be for much longer. I'm retiring next year.

Let someone else shovel shit against the tide.

Joe,
I believe it may also be related to loyalty, a virtue rarely found these days.

Wow, everyone is retiring, except for the ass clowns that need to retire, or just plain die off of cancer or ebola.  WTF?

You know whats funny? If you were to take what was said on PP seriously about me, half the industry would have been killed off almost 10 years ago. 

lol

Ex Member wrote on Nov 29^th, 2016 at 12:11am:

Joe, I believe it may also be related to loyalty, a virtue rarely found these days.

Loyalty is a nonexistent quality in todays time.  Everyone you meet has a knife, and is looking for a place to plant it. 

I do take comfort in the fact that, the ninth ring of hell is reserved for betrayers and cut throats.

DTA 

Pour yourself another one, Joe.

You are irrelevant, as am I.

The cult endures.

Everyone is irrelevant in the end.

Amen.

Joe McCarthy wrote on Nov 29^th, 2016 at 1:36am:

Everyone is irrelevant in the end.

Ahhhh, thank you Grasshoppa.....

Ex Member wrote on Nov 30^th, 2016 at 8:52pm:

Joe McCarthy wrote on Nov 29th, 2016 at 1:36am: Everyone is irrelevant in the end.    Ahhhh, thank you Grasshoppa.....

Ark, we're wondering how old you are.

We're guessing 62-66.

Are you in that range? Older? Younger?

Enquiring minds want to know...

We are contemporaries.

Prove it.

Forced choice (Think Ray Nelson's "Ipsative-Z-score" concoction).

Who's hotter?

Lassie: June Lockhart or Jan Clayton?

Gilligan's Island: Ginger or Mary Ann?

Charlie's Angels: Farah, Jaclyn, Kate or Cheryl?

I prefer June Lockhart because I had the hots for Angela Cartwright on Lost in Space. After the cool Maynard G. Krebs, I couldn't handle Gilligan. None of them had enough T&A, archangels are very picky when it comes to angels. Headed overseas, posting will be spotty for a while.

Ex Member wrote on Nov 30^th, 2016 at 8:52pm:

Joe McCarthy wrote on Nov 29th, 2016 at 1:36am: Everyone is irrelevant in the end.    Ahhhh, thank you Grasshoppa.....

LOL

Dan Mangan wrote on Dec 1^st, 2016 at 1:39am:

Prove it. Forced choice (Think Ray Nelson's "Ipsative-Z-score" concoction). Who's hotter? Lassie: June Lockhart or Jan Clayton? Gilligan's Island: Ginger or Mary Ann? Charlie's Angels: Farah, Jaclyn, Kate or Cheryl?

Ugh

Linda Carter, hotter than every one of them, including Daisy Duke

Just saying

You don't have to communicate with a hooker via text or email to have a sexual encounter. You asked 2 different questions

wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2014 at 4:09pm:

Thank you. I told him if #1 is flawed that means that #2-4 could be flawed as well. So now were back to where we started and out $400. I appreciate your feedback.

Very sound advice.  One might as well rely upon astrology, tarot cards, horoscopes, ouija boards, or fortune cookie slips, as upon a polygraph!
I'm sorry that your experience cost you $400.  That money might have been better spent on counseling or a P.I.  8-)

xenonman wrote on Feb 25^th, 2017 at 10:20pm:

Very sound advice.  One might as well rely upon astrology, tarot cards, horoscopes, ouija boards, or fortune cookie slips, as upon a polygraph! I'm sorry that your experience cost you $400.  That money might have been better spent on counseling or a P.I

I turn away infidelity tests, unless a family therapist is involved.  Most of the time these tests do more damage than good.  While I would desperately love the money, I would never schedule one of these tests unless I knew it would be actually helpful; meaning a therapist is involved in the mix.

wrote on Feb 24^th, 2017 at 7:02pm:

You don't have to communicate with a hooker via text or email to have a sexual encounter. You asked 2 different questions

Well, it's always best to "negotiate" (the contemporary term for it! :D) your fantasies and perversions with the sex worker in advance, before actually meeting with her!   :D

That has marks on it where it was touched by a 10 foot pole

Phrasing

Joe McCarthy wrote on Mar 8^th, 2017 at 8:39am:

That has marks on it where it was touched by a 10 foot pole Phrasing

Well, 10 feet might prove a bit too cumbersome for even the most experienced practicant of the oldest profession.    ;D

xenonman wrote on Mar 8^th, 2017 at 2:11pm:

Joe McCarthy wrote on Mar 8th, 2017 at 8:39am: That has marks on it where it was touched by a 10 foot pole Phrasing Well, 10 feet might prove a bit too cumbersome for even the most experienced practicant of the oldest profession.    ;D

Xeno, thanks. that damn near made me laugh.  I needed that tonight

My first husband was very abusive. After a few years I began seeing another guy. My marriage broke up, and I was alone for a few years. Then I met my current husband.  We've been married for several years and have children.  It's been a good marriage, but my husband knows about my past, and lately he's been bringing it up more and more, maybe because my job requires me to fly around the country.  I've seen former boyfriends socially on a few rare occasions, but I've always been completely faithful to my husband.  It saddens me deeply that he mistrusts me so much.  I love him and would never want to cause the breakup of our happy family.  Lately he's been suggesting that I take a lie detector test to prove my fidelity.  I'm appalled by the suggestion and by the fact that he would even ask me to do such a thing.  But I told him I'd consider it if that would give him peace of mind.  Since then I've read ads by some polygraphers who make it sound as if the test is very reliable and the honesty they bring builds good marriages.  Of course, they don't want to mention all of the marriages they end.  I always understood that such ties really are NOT reliable.  I'd hate to tell the truth, only to have the tester tell my husband that I'm lying.  What do you recommend I do? 

wrote on Aug 4^th, 2017 at 3:55am:

I've seen former boyfriends socially on a few rare occasions,

Meghan, in my opinion this was foolish and risky behavior. I would consider this a red flag.

That said, most of the posters here would discourage you from submitting to polygraph testing. It will not resolve anything and even has the potential to make the situation worse. Modifying your behavior would be more instrumental in restoring trust.

wrote on Aug 4^th, 2017 at 3:55am:

What do you recommend I do?

I recommend that you not take the polygraph and that you share with your husband the information on polygraphy that is available here, in particular, our book, The Lie Behind the Lie Detector, which explains how polygraphy is unreliable and biased against the truthful:

https://antipolygraph.org/lie-behind-the-lie-detector.pdf

It would be foolhardy -- and a waste of money -- to allow pseudoscientific polygraph results to influence your marriage.

You might also refer your husband to this statement by Gary Smith, who found himself in a situation similar to yours, but made the regrettable decision to submit to a polygraph "test":

https://antipolygraph.org/statements/statement-028.pdf

wrote on Aug 4^th, 2017 at 3:55am:

What do you recommend I do?

By all means, do not subject yourself to the fraud known as the 'lie detector'.

You have everything to lose - and 'passing' it doesn't mean you're telling the truth anyway.

If your husband doesn't believe you, he might have more serious issues.  If I were you, I would reassure him that he is the only one for you every time he brings it up.